When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
PLOT TWIST:
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.