@amydillon: When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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@TheDjinnTrials: Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don't notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
@TheMichaelRock: You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!
@joelu72: [writing my first autopsy report] There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
@iamspacegirl: FISHING TRIP Joseph *casting his line*: Son, your mother thinks it's time I tell you- You're agodpted. Jesus *runs across the lake crying*