@amydillon: When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
@AlexvanBeek: Lauren on Facebook asks: "What's the best way to ward off ghosts?" To which I replied: "a camera."
@sarcasticmommy4: How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target: Son: Mom, can you buy this for me? Me: I'm not your Mom. Son: Mom, stop. Me: Let's go find your Mom. Son: MOM, STOP! Me: SECURITY!
@sammyrhodes: Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.