When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle