@XplodingUnicorn: When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
@Fred_Delicious: [At work] "guys check this out" [Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air] "Holy shit help"
@TheFearBoners: So PSY's song "Dear American" includes the lyric "Kill them all slowly and painfully" and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.
@Cheeseboy22: Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they're only saying that because they're dolphins.