When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
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Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
car not found
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all