When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
ugh not again
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!