Don’t touch that.
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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
We found love in a hopeless place.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy