@hazelmotes1: When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.
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@GuyThe_Guy: Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999. No seriously, Greg's been in a coma for 14 years. We'll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
@bridger_w: No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
@bkdcasey: I told an ex of mine that i wished she was more punctual. So, from then on, she added !!!!!!! to every text. I have picked some winners.
@aka_fatman: People always go, "Why can't there ever be peace in the Middle East?" We can't even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That's why.