Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.