When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
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I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Breaking news:
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef