When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!