When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.