@counterfeitingl: When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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@therealeatwood: GURU: You have achieved the state of sakṛdāgāmin: you will reach nirvāṇa within seven lifetimes ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six
@SamuelHLowe: I'm going to confess my love to this sore throat so it'll be gone when I wake up in the morning.
@EverydayGirlDad: 4yo: You're a good dad. Me: Thanks. 4yo: You'd be better if you said yes more. Me: Okay. 4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
@sportswithjohn: Commentator just said that the rain "may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation," which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.