@counterfeitingl: When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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@WheelTod: My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn't expecting I'd be dissecting so many white mice.
@thepunningman: [on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
@hazelmotes1: Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn't have an entire section labeled "Teen Paranormal Romance."