When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Confused owl: What?!
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it