@JPHaddadio: When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day- *puts TV remote to my ear* Hello? Hey Bob- [hand covering remote] -sorry honey, I have to take this.
@WeissBrandon: Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?
@urfavoritejoel: Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside