When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
as is their right
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Spring of Deception
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.