When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.