When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?