When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.