@zachreinert03: When my roommate won't wash the dishes I always leave a note'hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep'
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@AtticusFinch79: [meeting the parents] Dad: what do you think of Baroque? Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
@VikeeysSecret: Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
@the_mom_dot_com: My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.
@ConanOBrien: I hate it when adults try to relate to youth using slang. Guess that’s what makes me a woke bae.