@zachreinert03: When my roommate won't wash the dishes I always leave a note'hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep'
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@Fred_Delicious: [Jumps into taxi] "FOLLOW..." [taxi driver turns around excitedly] "...ME ON TWITTER" [Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
@FilthyRichmond: My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
@hippieswordfish: ANIMAL CONTROL: what the hell were you thinking ME: releasing birds at a wedding is romantic ANIMAL CONTROL: you released ostriches