@DoucheMcBaggus: When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I'm totally nailing his mom.
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@GrantTanaka: On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time"
@Chumpstring: [Death Row] GUARD: last requests? INMATE: a little heroin would be nice TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard* INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
@alispagnola: Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you're better off staying home with no pants on.
@ArfMeasures: [Cocktail bar] WAITER: Ok, what are you having? DATE: The worst night of my life ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail