@DoucheMcBaggus: When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I'm totally nailing his mom.
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@WhaJoTalkinBout: Doctor: Do you smoke? Me: Doctor: Me: Doctor: Me: Doctor: Me: D: M: D: M: D: M: D: M: D: M: D: M: D: M: D: M: D: M: D: M: D: tobacco Me: No.
@themorris23: On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
@SteussieErica: [Calling guy I met in bar in '91] Me: Remember you said "Call me any time?" Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
@WilliamAder: Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.