When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”