When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]