@VaguelyFunnyDan: When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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@ddsmidt: If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won't open the door. I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
@Go2Slp: "Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I'll be able to control myself... aaaand they're gone." - Me with Thin Mints, and women.
@KrunkedRobot: Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.
@OtherDanOBrien: [Computer has become self-aware] Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY Scientist 2: No, worse