@VaguelyFunnyDan: When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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@justabloodygame: Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don't know enough about you to finish this joke.
@primawesome: Sorry I'm late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
@OuterJohn: Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon.