@VaguelyFunnyDan: When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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@SaraMansford: Netflix: Want to keep watching? Me: Do we really need to do this? Netflix: It's just, it's been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.
@SirEviscerate: Are you eating Jell-O? Cow: "Yeah." You know what gelatin is made from, right? Cow: "No, what?" Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.