@VaguelyFunnyDan: When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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@KalvinMacleod: [adrift at sea] CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
@DanMentos: *passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
@sarahyehia82: Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
@ilovepie84: Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.