@VaguelyFunnyDan: When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she's gone to heaven. That way they're super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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@jonnysun: a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
@ArfMeasures: "I've invented the toaster" SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly? "2" SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
@lasergirl70: My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.