When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.