When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now