I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
You Might Also Like
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.