applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
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Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
never compromise your values
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My neck my back my allergy attack
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.