I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Important
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period