When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
this is what they would have looked like, though
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.