When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars