@Cheeseboy22: When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
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@panmidwest: SISTER: i'm engaged! ME: awwwwwwwwewwww SISTER: did you sneak an 'ew' in there ME: …no
@daemonic3: Cop: Know why I pulled you over? I'm in a High Occupancy lane Cop: Yes...wait IS THAT A JOINT? Yeah I'm HIGH lol Cop: My bad, free to go
@LoveNLunchmeat: My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death...