When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
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*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
When you let grandma cat sit
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.