@Cheeseboy22: When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
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@amydillon: HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse? ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
@DjJazzyJeffro: A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
@yenniwhite: Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby. -Kids