When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Sorry not sorry.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.