When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles