When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down