When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I was bored.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.