@SortaBad: When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel'
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@GrantTanaka: Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED [wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit] Jesus: OK I'MMA COME BACK LATER
@Mr_Kapowski: A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing "The cloak stopped working" to which I responded "OMG you can see me?!"
@WheelTod: *Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter "Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don't learn how to spell."