“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
School be like
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.