When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Stop it! 😂
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Mornin
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Aw man, but that’s the best part