@TheGladStork: When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
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@ericsshadow: My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
@MavenofHonor: [during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
@JohnLyonTweets: Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
@Dawn_M_: Homeless people are so lucky. They don't have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.