[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Here’s a meme
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig