@QuinOShea: When my wife said let's do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I'm a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
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@tastefactory: When I was going into surgery my dad said "Good luck w/ your surgery" and I said "you too" so now my dad has to get surgery too, he's pissed
@_davidlucas_: The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I bet Pope Benedict will appear on Celebrity Rehab this season.
@walks_on_legs: Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I'll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
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