@QuinOShea: When my wife said let's do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I'm a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
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@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."
@Kyle_Lippert: NOAH'S GOOGLE HISTORY 1) What is an ark? 2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark? 4) Are snakes necessary? 5) Is god real or am I high?
@SteveDutzy: Principal: Your son is a gamer [Parents are visibly shaken] Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs. Parents: OH THANK GOD
@Spaziotwat: *Looks up from pestle and mortar "Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!"
@AndrewNadeau0: 1ST MAN: I'm sorry, I- 1ST HORSE: It's fine. M: H: M: It's just why BOTH walk? So I thoug- H: I said it's fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
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