@QuinOShea: When my wife said let's do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I'm a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
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@liv_thatsme: But HOW will u make America great again? Trump: I'll make it like camp. A camp where u concentrate on how great I am. I'll call it a conce-
@david8hughes: [family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
@ShitJokes: On a ladder putting a cinema poster up. Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?" I said "No it’s just the paste off my brush"