When my wife said let's do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I'm a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.

@PlainTravis: I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

1

@meganamram: Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

1

@Paxochka: People who say "life doesn't come with a set of instructions" obviously haven't heard of the Kama Sutra.

10

@neiltyson: There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don't.

1

@man_spach: My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

1

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets