@BlindChow: (1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham (1:37pm) Abe: sup (1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son (1:42pm) Abe: k (4:02pm) God: jk lol (4:10pm) God: u there?

@KeetPotato: playboy: "apparently they just read it for the articles" [takes out all nude women] every man on earth: "well this has back-fired massively"

@TheDweck: SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?” ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

@Ikea_Monkey_89: When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

@Goofpoops: In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi. Don't bother asking for the password, because it's totally "Cornhole Explosion".