Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
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The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*