The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally