@Tacet_no_more: When my wife says "I don't want to talk about it" that's woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what "It" is
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@inmynewskin: Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.
@bourgeoisalien: If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."
@QwertyJones3: If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.
@nealbrennan: If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.