I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
ACED my prostate exam!
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.