@bigmacher: When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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@AndyAsAdjective: "I missed you today." "Awwww I missed you too." *both frantically reload dueling pistols*
@joejwest: COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day? LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question
@bush_piglet: Today I have learnt - if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.