@bigmacher: When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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@TheToddWilliams: [Scientific Conference] Scientist 1: So science? Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
@UncleDuke1969: *pulls up pants* Me: It feels like I've got the world's worst wedgie! Proctologist: That's normal. M: ... P: Hey... Have you seen my glove?
@kellysdf: I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
@TeaPartyCat: Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.