When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Sticker placement is key.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often