When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
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wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.