When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
You Might Also Like
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
dam girl
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.