When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Baller is short for ballerina
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.