When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !