when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Good Morning.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.