@koalaslament: when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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@TheLesbianTwin: a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
@MistookMistake: I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets.
@aidanjsears: ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no
@dshack8: "I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy the store brand that's on sale instead." The last thoughts of a man who's about to die.