when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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