when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You Might Also Like
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.