When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.