@clindsaysway: When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
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@noog: Squirrels run around like they're being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
@RexHuppke: My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.
@jeffswarens: Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I'm an idiot Me: Don't ask. They swore me to secrecy.
@RealDMK: I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store