When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
You Might Also Like
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
❤️🦆
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.