@cjwerleman: When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper. Me: What am I? 4-year-old: In the way.
@Paxochka: I'm 5'5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
@Schmoodles: My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like "Who are you?" and "Why are you hiding outside my house?" and "My wife is calling the police."
@natalayhehoo: It's all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.