@cjwerleman: When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
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@Donnie_Fairburn: Women say they like a man in uniform but I've been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet :(
@d_duhwit: Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:"Do U find this is a tough neighborhood? Neighbor:"Na, u just use a slow cooker. Me:"What? n:"What
@JohnLyonTweets: Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.
@carlyken: Detective: ok forensics is finished. I'll start here and you- Dog cop: I'll mark our territory [dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]