When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I hope this email finds you in a well
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*