@the_anastasia: When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
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@longwall26: "Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!" "LOL sir, that was a barber." "He was black." "We're sending a battleship."
@huntigula: her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house? him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don't be ridiculous
@jwoodham: Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don't flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.